Questa  •  Red River  •  Cerro  •  Costilla  •  Amalia  •  Lama  •  San Cristobal

northern new mexico news boy
Access Back Issues of
Print Editions Here

Mental Health Matters: February 2025

A Tough Question

Each and every one of us will ask this question at least a few times over our lifetimes. If we have children, they will also ask us in all of their innocence, and we will often scramble for an answer.


Why did Ranger get hit by a car? Why did the fires burn up my house? Why did grandma die? Why did the baby have cancer? Why did I get fired?


How many times have these been asked of us, and how many times have we asked them ourselves? Sixty-eight years ago, my parents were surprised by the birth of twins, one being me and the other, a boy. Sadly, my twin died shortly after our birth, and my mother grieved for the rest of her life. Whenever she saw young twins, her eyes welled up with tears.


I never heard her ask this question, but I asked it. A tiny innocent baby, precious in every way, one who had no opportunity to do anything in his brief life. Why?


Certainly, the “answer” (Is there an answer?) may often depend on our view of God, of the world, and of how the world works. In Buddhism, views of and responses to suffering are central to the faith. The Bible mentions suffering many times and in many ways. Islam considers suffering part of the path one must take to paradise. Without a belief in a higher power, a person may answer this question from a scientific cause-and-effect position. (As you are reading this, you may wonder how I gathered such a varied lot of viewpoints. I asked friends, I looked up the beliefs of a few religious faiths, and I recalled my reading of the book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”, by Rabbi Harold Kushner, in the 1980s.)


Does God know what is “best”? Does unacceptable behavior have to be punished? Is karma really a thing, even if we wonder what our misdeed was? Must suffering be a prelude to better times ahead?


If you are wondering what answer I have given to myself, it is this: I have no idea, but I do know bad things happen to us all. I have come to believe the question must have a second part in order to be worth considering.


This terrible thing has happened, and in order to deal with it in a healthy way, I must now ask myself, “How am I going to deal with it?” Am I going to grieve but then do something productive? Am I going to help others with their grieving? Will I join (or organize) a group for grieving parents who have lost a child? Will I learn as much as I can about the disability my child has, so we can address the challenge together? Like Rabbi Kushner, will I write a book in honor of my son, who passed as a teen? Will I create some artwork? Will I give my last crusts of bread to another hungrier than me (as some did in the WWII concentration camps)? Will I wake up one morning, determined to be a better human being, having known the pain of suffering? Will I decide to search for a better job after losing one? Will I visit the shelter and take home the oldest, most unadoptable dog after my beloved dog dies (as my cousin is doing after hers died of cancer)?


How about some situations less catastrophic but still something we find ourselves in anguish over? Lost car keys and having to pay a lot to have them remade…and now what? Are you going to ensure this doesn’t happen again and designate a “key place” by the door for all the drivers in your house to use? Twist an ankle on that bunched-up rug by the back door…and NOW what? Get a no-slip rug mat underneath? Get a different rug? That’s better than cursing the rug every time you trip.


The point is simple: make the “bad” experience worth something. Benefit from it in some way—maybe not you, but someone else. Share your insight, your knowledge. You don’t have to build an incredible white marble structure, like the one built after the untimely death of Mumtaz Mahal by her grieving husband. No, planting a tree in someone’s memory isn’t the Taj Mahal, but it is a life-affirming action to help you make some sense of your grief.

Author

  • Mental Health Matters: The northern Taos County communities have lost several young people in recent months. Questa del Rio News is starting a column dedicated to mental health matters. Dawn Provencher is a retired counselor. She has a master’s degree in counseling and a master’s degree in social work. She will be contributing to this column on a monthly basis.

    View all posts