Choices Beyond Parenthood

Having recently celebrated that 100-year-old holiday honoring mothers, and with another day set aside for fathers coming up, I began to think about women and men who choose to never be the person of honor on these holidays.

Be honest with yourself. When you meet an adult without children, do you silently think, “I wonder why not?” If I could be considered a typical example, there was a time I always wondered if there were health problems preventing parenthood in such a person… or a history of family mental illness? Traumatic childhood memories? Serious financial concerns? Surely, I used to think, there had to be something creating a barrier to having a child–because everyone wants children! And then I would end my judgement with, “Who is going to take care of them when they’re old?”

Over time, I began to realize what a small-minded attitude this was! There are many reasons an ever-growing number of adults without children wish to remain that way. Some current studies show this group to be as high as 40 percent, with that number steadily increasing over the last 50 years.

If we look back within our own families, it is unlikely there are many examples–or any! of childless relatives. Sadly, what we might be able to identify are relatives who were not successful at parenting. How many people had children because our culture expected it of them? And how many people have suffered because of that unrealistic expectation?

Although the most important explanation for not having children is not owing anyone an explanation at all, there are many sound reasons for choosing to be child-free. Perhaps the next time you find yourself silently wondering “I wonder what’s wrong,” you can ponder some of the following: (And then, also silently, mind your own business!).

Many people report their choice to be based on knowing their own strengths and weaknesses and therefore knowing they do not have the traits necessary for successful child-rearing. Others report wanting to commit their talents and energy toward a career which they find fulfilling and meaningful. In addition to a time-consuming career, some enjoy a nomadic lifestyle, and others would prefer to spend their resources on other pursuits.
I have a number of friends who chose a partner who had children and find that step-parenting is sufficient for them. I know others who identified family history that they didn’t wish to be continued. Many of them have special relationships with nieces, nephews, or children of friends, and this adult-child relationship is enough for them.

Recent studies show these voluntarily childless adults are just as happy, or happier, than their peers with children. In other words, with mindful consideration, an increasing number of people are choosing to remain childless, and are happy, fulfilled adults. And it is not anyone’s business but theirs to make this decision. They owe no one justification–but they should be able to expect our support. The next time you meet someone without children, the kindest and healthiest thing to do is accept their decision without question and move on.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live in a world in which we can each chart our own course without interference from others?