The Ones Left Behind In Grief

As difficult as this information is to write, it will be infinitely more difficult for some people to read. Our community has had to grieve the loss of loved ones to suicide, and the pain can be unbearable.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Very few people can claim to never have been touched by this type of death. The sadness, which is not a powerful enough word to describe the feeling, may seem to be a condition which will never end—a feeling that will never find a place that is bearable, never leave us. But the sadness, the grief, the sorrow, will change over time, and each of the loved ones left behind to deal with this struggle will handle these feelings in unique and personal ways. None of us makes the journey the same as anyone else.

But there are guidelines we can all practice which may help us cope.

First, know that you are not alone. Seek out others who can listen without judgment, offer support without claiming to “know how you feel,” people you trust. You may feel you have been abandoned by your lost loved one, so try not to isolate yourself and then feel even more “left behind.”

This is not the time to “tough it out” without support. There are professionals available in every community, thanks to both in-person and online counseling services. Find a support group. These are also available in-person and on-line. The hospital, the funeral home, or your doctor will be able to advise you.
It is very normal to be filled with questions about the suicide. The “whys,” the guilt, the blame, and the anger can all be overwhelming. People who have survived a suicide attempt often have difficulty addressing these questions. It is imperative you accept that some things in this world are outside of your control. The only blame acceptable in the aftermath of a suicide belongs to the depression, the addiction, the pain, or other issue your loved one was experiencing that brought about their decision to end their own life.

Forgive yourself for not seeing any warning signs. None of us can see into someone else’s thoughts. Even professionals working closely with their clients are often blindsided by a suicide.

There are well-known stages of grief, but you may find your grief coming and going in waves, like a rollercoaster. Understand there will be days better and worse than others. A song may trigger a surge of emotion, a date, any special reminder of your loved one. Expect these ups and downs.

It will take some time, but one day you will be able to look ahead. Use this feeling to decide how you are going to honor the life of the person you love. (Not “loved,” because we never stop loving.) These tributes can be large and small. Lighting a candle each day. Planting a tree. Writing and sharing a story of their life. Supporting a charity or group they found meaningful. Helping others deal with similar pain. It would truly be a tragedy if your loved one’s life was not honored in some way.

Please be kind to yourself. Be very careful with social media. Depend on professionals and people you trust. Comments made on social media are often, very often, misguided, cruel, false, and simply wrong. Sharing your feelings in a public forum may be helpful for you, but take safeguards against other people’s comments.

Lastly, know you are NOT at fault. Neither was the person you lost. The fault was the situation leading to the state of mind they found themselves in. Don’t waste energy on blaming. Use your energy to honor the love you shared with them.